Dear Tots,
It's been over a month since you broke my heart.
And yes, I still think of you.
It's somewhat shameful, painful even, for me to admit this now especially after I took counsel from concerned friends who had nothing good to say about you. Nothing.
They'd kill me if they read this. They'd call me stupid. A fool.
But I honestly can't help but think of you especially when I'm alone. When I'm vulnerable. There are times when thoughts of how we were would just hit me and I'd go blank. Then I'd feel that longing again.
I still miss you Tots.
I do.
I wish I don't.
Did I tell you why I fondly called you "tots"?
Mahilig ka kasi umutot pag magkasama tayo. At di mo talaga tinatago pag umuutot ka.
There's lots of things I could talk about, but then I write about your farting. Gee.
I miss you Tots.
I do.
I wish I don't.
I remember us talking about how we met. I came from another inuman and I was waiting for a ride home when you came out from nowhere. We laughed about me thinking you were some snatcher. We’d tease each other about finding out who made the first move and we agreed it was you. You followed me you said. And I was glad you did.
It’s a wonder there was an instant attraction between us, a keen feeling of getting to know each other more and an intense hoping of having something more than just a fleeting introduction. We knew right there, that fateful night, we’d fall. And fall we did.
I did. Hard.
The second meeting was even more special. We were both shy. Awkward even. But it didn’t take long for us to find that familiarity again. We were once again connected. We laughed, we talked and we laughed some more. I always wondered though why I everytime I told you how good you looked, you’d turn red and silent. You weren’t used to being told that you said. I knew you were just being bashful but I found that more endearing about you.
You know what made that night special? I was drinking and you were drinking…coke. Corny mo. I loved how you’d innocently caress my back, the back of neck, how’d you’d tousle my hair and how you’d tenderly touch my hand and kiss it. I loved how you’d look straight into my eyes when we talk, the way you’d absorbedly listen to my stories with your arms wrapped around me. I was so happy that night, thanks to you.
Tots, remember how it always took us so long whenever we had to go? How it was always a small struggle to end the night? How we’d talk some more even after we’d gone home already? I remember that night when you texted me it always made you sad to say goodbye and you told me you were dreading your leaving for abroad soon. It was that night you told me you loved me. I still have that text. I cried that night at the thought of you leaving, against the odds of not seeing you again. I didn’t tell you that did I?
I miss you Tots.
I do.
I wish I don't.
to be continued...
